I am afraid even to look back to see when my last post was! I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve even considered posting here and, you know what? That’s okay. I wasn’t well. I haven’t been well physically or mentally for a little while and now I am feeling alright despite a slight headache and I’m going to celebrate! With a blog post! Yay!
Usually I post on Fridays, but hey! I’m home alone today and I have nothing else to do and this blog does deserve a little added explanation as to why I’ve neglected it so long.
For the sake of this post making sense, I’ll explain slightly what happened to me for, what, a month? More? I feel like I’ve explained it a thousand times already but, essentially, I’ve been without wifi and a phone for around a month now, I think more than that even? The reasons for this involve a kaput cellphone battery and slow internet access. A lot more has went into it and I’ve had periods of being able to use others’ phone hotspots and wifi from other locations (I even had a back-up phone for awhile, but it kinda wimped out on me too, haha!) but for the most part I’ve been without access to social media and blogging and most difficult for me, my best friends.
On top of that, my situation right now makes it so I cannot really leave the house, at least not independently. I don’t have a car or a license and I don’t have any friends that could come and pick me up. Even if I did, my house is far away and out of the way so I don’t think they’d even want to. My family is fairly large and very loud and overwhelming and I’ve just been stuck here without anything to really do except watch and re-watch DVDS and clean.
Ah, that sounds like a pity party. It’s not supposed to be a pity party. I’ve been safe and have had plenty of food and sometimes my siblings are great. And I am grateful. The reason I’m explaining this to you is because I want to be honest. I haven’t been well! I haven’t been well at all. Mentally, I’ve been enormously overwhelmed. There were moments in the last few weeks when I just had no idea what to do with myself anymore. Existing itself had become … well, tortuous.
Again, not a pity party! I know I’m not the only one with mental health issues.
I talk a lot about optimism. On social media and in life in general. The honest truth is, I am not always happy. In fact, happy is so hard. I never want you to get the idea about me that because I post about optimism or sunshine or goodness or dogs, I am happy. That would be so far from the truth it’s almost laughable. Optimism does not equal happiness!
Naturally, I am not happy. Naturally, I am a nervous, fretful person with social issues and a tinge of depersonalization. Eep. But I’m also a Christian! And my decision to choose optimism has everything to do with that fact.
Optimism doesn’t mean I get to front with a protective barrier of fluffy kittens. Optimism doesn’t mean I get to lie to you that everything’s okay. Optimism only means that I know deep inside that I have a hope and a reason to go on and that I am going to hold on to that fact and do my very best to live it out.
The past several weeks have not been good to me. My current mental situation makes me feel very isolated and detached from reality and so being away from good friends and other little things that ground me, I found myself holding on to the smallest things to give me hope and get me through. I remember specifically: watching You’ve Got Mail (the only movie I had downloaded on my laptop and available to watch, but then I just sort of got obsessed with it and it became a comfort), whenever we would buy Cheez-Its because for some reason Cheetos are bomb-diggity to me now though I used to hate them… ooh! and especially a very particular NASA hat I had ordered online.
This hat’s arrival date, for some reason, kept getting pushed weeks later and later until eventually I had to stop living in denial and realize that it had been lost in the mail. I ended up getting a free-2-day-delivery-included refund and after that it, came right away, but somehow the waiting for this hat became a tiny reason to keep moving forward. For some reason, the waiting was the lovely part. The waiting was the tiny bit of hope in all this darkness my brain was going through.
And now, sitting here looking back, I feel like a thousand supernovas are exploding in my heart. Because it was so hard, but somehow it was so beautiful too. The name of Jesus was ever-present on my lips because the name of Jesus and a NASA hat were the only good things I could remember.
Today I have one NASA hat and one new cell phone and a brain-full of hopeful things on the horizon. I am done waiting for some things, enough that I am provided for and quite happy, but I know the waiting isn’t over. On a grander scale, there is a lot of waiting left to do yet.
Somehow, through all this waiting, we have to cling to something. The sky is dark now, but while we’re waiting on the sun to rise, let’s look for shooting stars.
God is going to keep blessing you. It may not be in the way that you hope or expect, but He loves you and He is never going to stop blessing you. Look for the joy. Look for little tiny pieces of optimism. Look to the sky and you will see shooting stars.