I sat down this evening to write with no real clear idea of what I wanted to write. A prayer and a very general outline later and here I am, just hoping whatever this blog post blooms into makes sense… I’m listening to that Billy Idol song on repeat. Dancing With Myself. And it is reminding me that it’s actually really possible to become happy with life just by taking a moment to return to the gentle truth of joy. Joy is a friend that just waits for you to come running back to it. And to start dancing again. DANCING WITH MYSELF… OH-OH. Yeah.
So. I got brain-wiped again, recently. I don’t know if this is a derealization/depression thing or what, but sometimes I enter this very strange state where I forget how to be me? It begins to seem like my memories are missing. I can’t for the life of me remember how I used to manage through my days and my sense of self becomes skewed. It really feels like I just have to start over again. I can go through these whole seasons where I feel like the only thing I’ve learned is how broken and confused and useless I am.
What I’ve been grappling with most in the last couple of weeks is my own need for perfection, I think. For stability, security, and consistency. But… I’m starting to feel like that’s kind of an unrealistic expectation of myself and of human existence in general. Life throws weird crap at you. And it’s often not going to feel like it makes sense until you get through it or find out how it fits in your life. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe we just have to wait and pray and trust.
I guess what I really want to get across is that we are broken people in a broken world and we need to stop pressuring ourselves to be anything but works-in-progress. And we need to stop believing that any one of us has this whole thing figured out. All of us are in the same boat. Everything is weird. We’re all messed up. We all need Jesus. Like, really badly. And goodness gracious, no matter how acquainted with our brokenness we become, we will also become acquainted with and know deeply just how whole He is. We are broken, but He is so very whole.
And I promise that He is so bright and so wonderful that you’ll start becoming bright and beautiful too, just by hanging out with him. Like sun-freckles and summer tans and the way sunlight gets in peoples’ eyes and makes them glow. That kind of beautiful.
That joy is accessible, always. Sunshine-joy sticks around. It is for certain and you never have to doubt it. It will always be there, waiting for you to run back to it — no matter how broken you learn you are.
I used to keep my blog updated with my eucharisteo all the time, but slowly fell out of practice of keeping up with my list and so, of course, also stopped updating it here. However!! I feel like it was a really good thing for me. If I can look at my days as a collage of miracles, I feel like I could probably good and well do just about anything. So… I’ve started it up again. And maybe I’ll keep you updated. Maybe we’ll get to 1,000 again. Hm. There’s a thought.
So here’s a collection of happy-things I’ve been collecting recently.
- Kaleidoscope skies (when they change colors fairly quickly — usually a sunset sort of situation)
- the happy music songs that block out the sad brain thoughts
- I bought poetry this weekend and I feel really great about it
- Cinnamon rolls
- my friends are so cool
- gold star stickers
- Lin-Manuel Miranda singing Moana songs. Holy wow. ❤
- “Starry Night” socks
- I had a brownie for lunch
- star stickers (i just really needed them that week, apparently xD)
- worship music to shout along too in the morning time
- freaking Leanne and the Emergency Heart Jar she made me. I have really cool friends
- I painted lil sunshines on my arm with yellow paint and now nobody can tell me that my life hasn’t been worth me living it
- I have really nice tea to drink lately
- I like having sunshine-baby hair
- writing letters is a very pleasant thing
- Spontaneous Starbucks trips because we’re cute like that
- Stable days
- Movie nights
- God has put really cool people in my life and I’m grateful for that
- Random strength to do the stressful things
- Days when I feel like life is bursting with possibility
- Being a mad-kitchen-scientist-chef and trying pinterest things
- My cat is my favorite thing ever
- Naps. Have you ever been able to schedule a nap into your day? Dude, that is literally luxury. I feel blessed.
Goodbye for now frens. I’ll write sometime soon, I hope.
…Spring is on its way.
Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.