It’s autumn and the fact that it’s autumn is way, way too fitting. Almost so that the irony is artfully doubled. God is a grand author who knows how to write reality better than any J.D. freaking Salinger knows how to write about an angsty teen. It is autumn and things are changing. The leaves are blushing red and orange and yellow and I am packing up all of my earthly belongings once again. Where am I going?
Thing is, I have no idea. I’ve thought about it and thought about it. How much I’ve wanted things to change for so long. How much I wished and longed for this or for that. For so long, dreams have stayed dreams. Things have been so almost exactly the same for so long that my brain has forgotten how drastically life could change in an instant. I’ve learned to savor the little changes as well as the little things that stay the same. So much so that when my favorite reading seat was moved away from my favorite reading spot (and believe me, my mother was as stubbornly determined to move it as you can imagine) I spent weeks and months with such real heartbreak that you’d laugh at me if you knew. I am a sentimental being… but… a big dreamer as well.
The leaves are blushing red and orange and yellow and everything’s changing. Things are changing for real this time. I’m moving away and things are changing. Oh my goodness. Why am I so terrified?
I’ve spent so long being so scared that I was going to be closed in upon until I suffocated to death, and now suddenly the world seems so big and the possibilities so endless and my time as a child (shh, I’m a proper newborn and you know it) so short that I don’t know if I can handle it. I’m so unprepared, but somehow I feel like being prepared is a myth.
But oh friends, I’m so ready to live life again…
This is all so dramatic and emotional, but really I am just moving with my family to a new house closer to town and I’ll be able to socialize more and have more time to myself and more room to think. I am literally Anne Shirley. My heart feels so full though. Life is beautiful and so real. Let’s live it aghghghghgh.
Okay, okay, let’s get on with this post — a rambly life update because I feel like I need to clean out my brain. Y’all, life has been crazy. All-caps C-R-A-Z-Y. Eep. I’m learning so much in such a short time. I’m so scared of forgetting everything. Forgetting just how much my eyes had been open to. Why is it so easy to forget? But then, I feel God makes it just as easy to remember, when we truly seek. Something tells me he’s not forgetting and that he will patiently remind us until it sticks.
I’ve been spending a lot of time recently just processing. My mental health (or, lack thereof) has been taking a huge toll. I’m not used to this whole world of managing and living with mental illness. It’s always felt like a taboo subject growing up. I don’t know what to share or what to keep to myself. For so long, I’ve just wanted validation. People have shrugged their shoulders at me for all my life and I had started doubting myself as well. My heart’s been out there, vulnerable and scared, just wanting approval. I’ve let my insecurity and search for love and acceptance lead my life. Those things aren’t supposed to be in the driver’s seat. I thought I’d dealt with that problem a long time ago.
Finding validation in a professional’s diagnoses (curious? severe anxiety and clinical depression — woo!) was a big step. Very big step. I felt like I’d just been pestering my friends and sister and people I trust over and over again — “am I crazy? like, i know i’m crazy, but do you think I’m crazy crazy??” — seeking that validation. Looking for someone to tell me, “Yes. Your struggle is valid. You have been suffering (alone! and scared!) for so long.”
Thing is, now that I have that validation, I don’t even know what to do with it. Do I tell people? Do I keep it to myself? Will I heal now? Why did I need this again?
It has helped so much just have as an explanation. When my head is pounding and racing with thought and bullying me to the ground I can stop and go — this is anxiety! When I can’t get out of bed in the morning or don’t have energy to do anything, I know I’m not just broken. It’s depression. It doesn’t particularly make the people around me understand it any better, but it does give me assurance. I know in my heart I am fighting against a current others cannot see. I’m walking against a very strong gust of wind but I will get there too.
…But deep down I must confess Christ has validated me in this all along. Or at least, he’s tried to. I’ve held back the healing process because I didn’t want to be healed. I wanted people to know. I didn’t want to be healed because if I was healed, no one would ever know how hard I was fighting. Gosh I’m so embarrassed by this. Because He knew. And yeah sure, depression and anxiety will be my personal ghosts for a long time, but I knew there was peace in this. I knew there was a better peace in all of this. I didn’t want it.
Friends, we all have these currents. There are so many people fighting against them — alone and scared. I’m not the only one and I never want to act as though I am. The meaning in this post is that we all have valid struggles. This is so not some morbid pity party, oh my gosh. We all are fighting so hard and… well, alone… and scared.
I’ve been rambling like crazy and I’m sorry but just know this — God knows how hard you are fighting. There will be days when you lose your grip, but He will not lose his grip, I can assure you.
Boy, this is all so crazy. You can really tell that a season’s coming to a close when suddenly a million puzzle pieces are fitting together… And when the leaves start blushing red and orange and yellow, you know it’s time to move on. It’s time to find peace. Time to let the daisies start growing in the haunted house again… So many metaphors.
I love you guys.
P.S. We aren’t actually fighting alone… God is a shelter right by your side. He will fight for you. He will strengthen you. He will hold you… and also I am your fren and love you so much okay byeyeyeyeye.